Process of Acceptance
Complete honesty from one food allergy mom to another.
My oldest son has multiple food allergies. He is allergic to dairy, eggs, soy, corn, tree nuts, shell fish, rosemary, sesame and sunflower seeds. Finding out your child has a food allergy is a process. It affects the family as a whole. As the parent you need to allow yourself to go through the process of acceptance. Mine started with fear. Fear of – what am I going to feed him? How am I going to feed him and manage this effectively? I was afraid of accidentally harming my son with my own stupidity to put it bluntly. How was I going to do this?
Food Allergy Fear and Denial
That quickly turned to grief, what If I hurt him! What if he is outcast by other’s because of his needs? Not that I wanted him to be just like the other kids because it’s good to be different. It was more that I didn’t want him to feel he was different.
But… because of his food allergies he was different. So how was I going to be sure he was included? Were all questions I had during the grief process.
Anger, Bargaining, Depression
I tried talking to family and friends, but they just didn’t get it. I was literally told “it’s not like he has cancer and is going to die”- can you imagine? In my mind it was worse! What if I took him out with something accidentally- I couldn’t stand the thought.
At least if he was sick there would be a build up of emotions to process or so I thought. This could be instantaneous! This was all on me. Doctors were not involved in his every day to day way of being. I was.
How was I going to normalize this? How was I going to get over the thought that a kiss could be fatal? How was I going to teach this? We all need to eat and so does he, but how?
Step by step I learned/we learned how to food allergy shop, cook, and look for dangers. We took action by participating in educating others. Teaching our son that it was special to be special. Empowering him to learn, know and look for his dangers. Such as, if a child had icing on their hands not to let that kid touch him or tell the kid to wash up, so they don’t make him sick.
Acceptance
Accepting responsibility for knowing everything we needed to know. We felt that much more confident with every bite of a new food allergy recipe. Making his food the same as everyone else’s was gratifying and he always felt a part of. He didn’t and doesn’t know any differently now and he is seventeen now.
I found a way for him to eat pizza, english muffins, bagels, poptarts, goldfish crackers etc.. With so many food allergies peoples first reactions were “poor kid that’s awful. So, what does he eat if he can’t eat anything?” My first reaction at this point is often- “don’t pity him. I’m a great cook, he eats better than you do. He may not be able to go to McDonalds or Taco bell, but he eats all the same food. Making it at home is so much better for you and your body. He is healthy, he eats clean.”
Although, we still eat junk food it’s way better for your body to eat the way we do, than the way you do.
Empowerment
I’m not just a mom. I am a food allergy mom. I am awesome at research, a full time detective, a nurse, a body guard and a teacher. I am a fantastic personal chef, cleaner and professional planner. Not to mention the worlds best advocate.
You will learn all of this with your child and your child will appreciate every bit of it.
Nothing is given to you that you can not handle. You are strong and this will make you the strongest you have ever been. Be grateful because you get to have this kind of relationship with your child. You can pity others who are feeding their children processed foods constantly.
I have learned that there is still so much to learn about food allergies. Every one is different, every reaction can be different. You can show a positive result on a test and not be allergic or you can show a negative result and be extremely allergic. Trust your Allergist, trust yourself, trust the symptoms. There are many ways to learn about food allergies. The way they change the lives of not only the affected but the families.
Food Allergy Support
A great resource is FARE.org everything you need to know or want to know is on this website.
They held a walk yearly. You could join to help raise money for food allergy research and education. It was so exciting to see how many families that have the same issues as you.
Before the walk there were people selling cookbooks, medical bracelets. Free trial size bags of allergy safe treats (so it’s great for finding new brands). Face painting and even one year we walked with his allergist. We have had so much fun getting involved. Raising money for a great cause and with so many resources to help navigate our journey. You can really connect with others and don’t feel so isolated.
I am not sure if they still do this walk today, but if they do you should check it out. I promise you, it will be useful!
Education
Get your family and friends to walk along with you. They have the opportunity to learn so much about the severities of food allergies. The types of foods and brands that are safe for your child or even learn how to use an epi-pen. All of this is a great way to teach them so they have an understanding and can advocate for your child if need be. It’s also a great way for your child to feel the comfort and support of their extended family. No one has to be alone on this journey.
As with most things, people don’t fully grasp the impact such a diagnoses has. On the affected or their families. They can not truly understand it because they have never had to deal with it themselves. It can truly be terrifying, and lonely.
Impact
This can have and impact on the wallet, self esteem, emotional health and development. It has an impact on friendships and family relations. It truly is a distinct way of being. Which can feel completely isolating.
My son has in the past struggled with most of these issues. The way we have handled it was to listen, because just like you, when you first learned of your child’s food allergies. There is a process. They are growing, developing into the adults they will become. They need to learn so much in regards to this that other typical kids just don’t. They do have a unique way about who they are and they have to learn to deal with such emotions.
Learning, Loving and Living
Being supportive and listening has helped us to help him. Your child will wish they were just the typical kid. As is to be expected, but then remind them, that they wouldn’t be the amazing person they are now because of all the challenges they’ve overcome. They are strong and this is a process of acceptance for them. Keep that in mind because at this stage you as a parent will feel defeated as well.
Going through all these stages or even some of the stages of acceptance is inevitable, but you will grow and then become empowered by your knowledge. Knowing that you have given your child a unique sense of knowledge and control. you will have taught them to speak up about their allergies. to not be fearful. skills that other do not have at their age like cooking and reading labels, what to do in an emergency.
Not only have you become empowered, you have helped to empower your child. You will be proud and they will be proud of you because you’ve got this. You’re learning, loving and living this new lifestyle with them.
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